Alpa Chino!
We're loaded !
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I love that pussy dripping down to the floor, oh, no
The wettest pussy, hell, yeah
I love the pussy, hell, yeah
I'm drinking up your Booty Sweat and busting a nut
Alpa Chino got that pussy control
Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat
Pop an ass open !
Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars available at concessions now.

In 2013, when the Earth's rotation came to a halt ...
The President has declared all of North America a disaster area.
I call on my fellow Americans to come together ...
... the world called on the one man who could make a difference. When it happened again, the world called on him once more. And no one saw it coming three more times ! Now, the one man who made a difference five times before, is about to make a difference again. Only this time, it's different.
Speedman : Who left the fridge open ?
Tugg Speedman. Scorcher VI: Global Meltdown.
Speedman : Here we go again. Again.

Serveur : Will there be anything else ?
Portnoy : Oh yes, my dear man. More beans.
Portnoy : Granny !
Portnoy : Oh, please !
This summer, America's favorite obese family is back.
Portnoy : Oh, gross !
Portnoy : You're just mad 'cause I'm skinny.
Portnoy : Am not.
Jeff Portnoy. Jeff Portnoy. Jeff Portnoy. And Jeff Portnoy are The Fatties : Fart Two.
Portnoy : In some countries, it's considered a compliment.
Letting loose this summer.

In a time where to be different was to be condemned, and to be condemned was to die, one man chose to question his God. From Fox Searchlight, five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire. Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's coveted Crying Monkey Award, Satan's Alley.
I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.

In the winter of 1969, an elite force of the U.S. Army was sent on a top-secret assignment in South East Vietnam. The objective, rescue Sergeant « Four Leaf » Tayback from a heavily guarded NVA Prison Camp. The mission was considered to be near suicide. Of the ten men sent, four returned. Of those four, three wrote books about what happened. Of those three, two were published. Of those two, just one got a movie deal. This is the story of the men who attempted to make that movie.

Lazarus : Want some ?! Get some !
Chino : Hey, yo, Fats ! I ain't seen « Four Leaf » !
Portnoy : Don't count him out ! That bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass !

Lazarus : Cover me, you limp dick fuckups ! Peek-a-boo ! I see you !

Grossman : Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn ?
Cockburn : That's me, sir. It's good to finally meet you at last, get some face-time.
Grossman : And who here is the key grip ? You ? You. Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard.
Key grip : Sorry, man.
Grossman : This is your fault, you limey fuck ! You shit the money-bed, my friend.

Tayback : I put my story in your limp Brit hands, and you are not going to fail me. You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting ? You must put those boys in the shit.
Cockburn : What ? I don't understand.
Tayback : You wanna make your movie or not ?
Cockburn : Yes, I do.
Tayback : All right, you get some of those little video type cameras. We take them out there, and we put them in the trees in different angles. Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got. Then we take those boys up there, me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle, so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants and screaming for their mammies. They'd be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home.
Cockburn : I could do it. I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty. Get them away from their helpers and ass-licking assistants. Put them in the real shit.
Tayback : Real shit.
Cockburn : With real fear in their eyes ! Real fear, real emotion ! Yes, Four Leaf, yes !
Tayback : Yes !
Cockburn : Yes !
Tayback : Yes !
Cockburn : Yes !
Tayback : Take them off the fucking grid !

Cockburn : Put on your war faces, gentlemen. Now, let's go and make the greatest war movie ever !

Speedman : And cut ! That's the trailer right there.
Portnoy : Yeah !

Speedman : It's gonna be tough, but I think Damien's gonna get some great shit out of us. Just wish I had a director like this on « Jack ».
Lazarus : On « Jack » ... What ? « Jack » ? What you talking about ?
Speedman : Simple Jack.
Lazarus : Oh, yeah. Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh ? You did. Really swung for the fences, huh ?
Speedman : Thank you. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know. I just did the work. Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them. Observed them. Watched all the retarded stuff they did.
Lazarus : Then again, I always found mere observation in and of itself is a tad rudimentary. Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper to mine the true emotional pay dirt. Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know.
Speedman : Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly. You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded, like really retarded.
Lazarus : Damn.
Speedman : In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
Lazarus : To be a moron.
Speedman : Yeah.
Lazarus : To be moronical.
Speedman : Exactly, to be a moron.
Lazarus : An imbecile.
Speedman : Yeah.
Lazarus : Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.
Speedman : When I was playing the character.
Lazarus : When you was the character.
Speedman : Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
Lazarus : Yeah. Jack, stupid ass Jack.
Speedman : By the end of the whole thing, I was like, « Wait a minute, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again ? » It's just like ...
Lazarus : Yeah.
Speedman : Right ?
Lazarus : You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off.
Speedman : Yeah. I mean, it was really quite a ... It was crazy.
Lazarus : It's like working with mercury. It's high science, man. It's an art form.
Speedman : Yeah.
Lazarus : You an artist.
Speedman : That's what we do, right ?
Lazarus : Yeah.
Speedman : Yeah.
Lazarus : Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
Speedman : About what ?
Lazarus : You're serious ? You don't know ? Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Speedman : What do you mean ?
Lazarus : Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, « Rain Man », looked retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. Then you got Tom Hanks, « Forrest Gump ». Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, « Being There ». Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that ? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, « I Am Sam ». Remember ? Went full retard ? Went home empty-handed.

Cody : You lied about fighting the Vietnam War. It's like punching the American flag in the face, God damn it.

Speedman : Damien, cut ! Hey, Damien, cut !

Grossman : This is Les Grossman. Who is this ?
Flaming Dragon : This is Flaming Dragon !
Grossman : Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a big step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE ! Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you better think again. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to head down there, and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you. You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker ! I will massacre you ! I will fuck you up !

Speedman : But Mama take care of Jack a lot. How many more sleeps before she wakes up again ?
Acteur : Sorry, Jack. She in heaven now.
Chino : Damn ! I thought the movie was bad.

Lazarus : Well ? What's the skinny ? Y'all been on a date or what ?
Chino : No. I mean ... I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's ... It's complicated.
Lazarus : No ! It's simple as pie, man. You plant your feet in the ground, you look her square in the eyes, you say, « Hey, baby, you and me's going on a date ». That's the end of story. What's her name ?
Chino : Lance.
Lazarus : « Listen here, Lance ... » Lance ?! What the fuck did I just hear ? Lance?
Sandusky : Did you say « Lance » ?
Chino : No !
Sandusky : That sounded like « Lance ».
Chino : No, I said « Nance ».  That's what I said, « Nance ».
Lazarus : It sounded like « Lance ».
Chino : Look, I'm Alpa Chino, okay ?! I love the pussy ! All right ? Lay your ass back down and look at the stars !
Lazarus : When you wrote « I Love That Pussy », was you thinking of dangling your dice on Lance's forehead ?
Chino : Oh, hell, no ! What ? Come on. Look.
Lazarus : Man, everyone's gay once in a while !
Chino : I'm not gay !
Lazarus : This Hollywood.
Chino : How about we all get back to work?
Lazarus : Okay.
Chino : This is ridiculous !
Lazarus : Cool.
Chino : We got a big day tomorrow. Let's get focused.
Portnoy : Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now.
Chino : I told you, for the last time, I love the pussy !
Portnoy : I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

Portnoy : Keep your head down on the ground ! Nobody move or I do the little big guy !
Lazarus : That's right, we running this program now, J.P.
Portnoy : Now show me where the drugs are.
Lazarus : What the fuck ?! That ain't the plan !
Portnoy : Don't judge me !

Lazarus : Tugg ? Gotcha. Roll your shit up, man. We going home.
Speedman : Home ? But I'm doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd. Don't you get it ? I already am home.
Lazarus : Oh oh. All right, now, dude, you gotta get it ...
Speedman : My son gave this to me.
Lazarus : That's your stick buddy ?
Speedman : His name is Twigman.
Lazarus : Does he wanna come with us ?

Cody : Just say no to this, you drug-making midget.

Speedman : You tell the world what happened here.
Lazarus : What happened here ?
Speedman : I don't know, but you need to tell them.

Slolom : Eight Oscars, 400 million dollars and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
Grossman : I couldn't have done it without you, Slolom.
Slolom : Really ?
Grossman : No, dickhead, of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job.
Slolom : Well, I ...
Grossman : Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Slolom : I would never do that to ...
Grossman : Joking.
Slolom : Yeah ?
Grossman : Yeah.
Slolom : Very... Okay, there he is.
Grossman : There he is. Okay. Go have fun.
Slolom : All right. We're having a ... Fuck, okay. Thank you, Les. Thank you.
Grossman : You have a good night ... But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Slolom : Good. Thank you, sir.